A Annexe. For ‘the help’.
B Boot room. Only Dubarrys allowed.
C Corian worktops. White. Ribena banned.
D Dualit toaster. Purely for show because carbs are BAD.
E Emma Bridgewater mugs. Fifteen quid a pop. Mugs?
F Fruit and veg juicer. Only used once due to cleaning ‘issues’.
G Glass box extension plonked on the back of your Wandsworth semi.
H Hens. Ex-battery, housed in a plastic Joseph & Joseph looky-likey Eglu.
I Induction hob. For creating a real buzzzzz in the kitchen.
J Joseph & Joseph everything.
K KitchenAid mixer. Cos life’s too short to hold an electric whisk.
L Lutron lighting. Because sometimes you’re in a pink mood but other times mauve.
M Music. Sonos etc. Or as we used to call it, piped.
N Nandos. The middle classes KFC.
O Ocado. No moving to the country unless they deliver.
P Pantry. To store all your Quinoa.
Q Quooka- boiling water tap, because your life’s too busy to boil a kettle
R Riedel wine glasses. One for every type of wine. Like that’s gonna happen.
S Shutters. AKA plantation blinds – because who needs light?
T Tub. Stand alone in middle of the room. Shiny metal or egg shaped plastic. Silly.
U Umami. Allegedly adds taste to Quinoa.
V Vitra Eames stuff. Copies of design classic furniture. Copies.
W Waste disposal. Quinoa disposal.
X Xander. One child at least should be called this.
Y You – think of something.
Z Zebra hide rug. Cos there’s nothing nicer than walking on dead wildlife.
…and before you ask, I ONLY have eight.