THE NAFF TOP 20.

So tricky these days making sure you live a tasteful and stylish life. To help you all out, here’s my top 20 of all that is naff this season.

20. Patchwork Chesterfields.

Luminous yellows, pinks and purples. Enough to force a psychedelic Beatle into rehab.

19.Radley handbags and purses.

Those little Scotties were cute once. Now definitely time to donate to the Battersea old bags home.

18. Bamboo serving bowls.

Bless John Lewis. Selling huge ranges of serving bowls you can’t ‘immerse in water’. Lick clean?

17. Meerkats.

Vermin.

16. Buddha heads.

Unless you can put your legs behind your head and chant convincingly I suggest you stop buying ‘objets’ from TK Maxx.

15. Black lampshades.

There is a solid theological and scientific argument here. God said, ‘Let there be light”.

14. Turquoise and chocolate brown colour schemes.

B & Q have entire departments devoted to it, nuff said.

13. Glass and chrome media units.

A remnant of the 1980’s. The furniture equivalent of lycra and legwarmers in the corner of the room.

12. Chip n dip dishes.

Takes up half a cupboard and you eat nachos out of the bag anyway.The fondue set for the Noughties.

11.Gnomes.

Not kitsch, not funny and almost certainly politically incorrect in Labour wards.

10. Pink things in the kitchen.

Utensil holders, silicone basters, Nigella’s entire range. No. Pink plastic should remain in the bedroom.

9.Seaside styled bathrooms.

You know, all white with ‘accents’ of blue. They generally have a wooden beach hut and a driftwood something. TK Maxx has a lot to answer for.

8.Flock.

On the walls, on the curtains, on the light shades and on the cushions. You laugh at it in the Gulshan Tandoori, that should tell you something.

7. Acrylic shag pile rugs.

A passing fad but everywhere at the moment. It’s acrylic, it’s shag pile, it’s an electro-static sin.

6.Orla Kiely.

Look closely. Look even closer and what can you see?.. Pure unadulterated UGLINESS

5.Sequins on bedlinen.

Well honestly.

4.Mirrored furniture.

What a stupid idea, firstly they look downright tacky and secondly you’ll need a Filipino there  24/7 with the Windolene.

3. Union Jacks on anything.

Footstools, cushions, sofa’s and so on. When it’s all over BHS and next to Kelly Hoppens discount range,  it’s all over.

2. Cupcakes.

There are ranges of plastic ‘stuff’ in Robert Dyas covered in cupcakes. There’s a cupcake store in the Arndale centre. Jeremy Clarkson said he likes them. Get the picture?

1. Hairy bikers.

How has this come to be? I can’t move without seeing packets of crisps, cheap woks and tea towels enscribed with Hairyisms. Is it pretty? Is it witty? Is it clever? No, it’s Numero Uno Naffness. 

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