Property turn-offs… and the award goes to….


I would like to announce in my best Dermot voice, my top 20 property turn-offs. In a very particular order. It’s bottoms first …

20.Underwear on radiators. Please, just don’t do it. Especially if you take large.

19.Raised toilet seat. It is simply vile.

18. External ‘art’. I’m talking butterflies or cart wheels stuck on the house. Decorative wheelbarrows or wishing wells. Not big, not clever.

17. Personal items. That includes all happy snaps and in particular bedroom ‘things’.

16. Unmade beds. Still warm, steaming beds are not cool.

15. Teenagers rooms. Eau de puberty.The stench of pheronomes and general un-washedness really doesn’t work for me.

14.Patterns. Fabrics reminiscent of a nasty stomach bug. Carpets, swirling or sculpted, err, no.

13. Aluminium secondary glazing. Well let’s face it. Even it’s mother couldn’t find a nice word.It’s just plain ugly.

12. Teenagers in street. Hoodies and small plastic bags a desirable neighbourhood does not make.

11. Trees close to the house. A surprising amount of people just see these as giant triffids burrowing through the foundations.

10. Tenants. Let’s face it they really don’t give a sh*t whether you sell or not – it is apparent.

9.Animals. You may love your manky dog/cat. I don’t, buyers don’t.They smell, that is not good.

8.Vendors. Tempted to put this higher. Being stalked at a 2 inch distance. Eagle eyes upon you in case you pinch something. Should be a mitigating circumstance for GBH.

7.Scruffy neighbours houses. Everybody wants to move next door to the Dingles don’t they? I so love shopping trolleys as garden art.

6.Overgrown garden. What have they buried there is all I can think.

5. Damp patches. Titter ye not. Marks on the ceiling from leaks are hugely important to buyers. Like buying a car and kicking it’s tyres they are a DIY structural survey for the ignorant.

4. Cracks. Woohoo, a bit like damp patches. Never mind that they are plaster deep, major alarm bells and lots of sucking through teeth.

3.  Peeling paint. Windows and doors that need painting. Buyers will build in £20k’s worth of work, dumb but true.

2.Flood plain. Everybody loves water. Everybody loves the idea of looking over water. Everybody is scared sh*tless of the two words FLOOD PLAIN.

and the prize for biggest property turn-off goes to….. da da da daaaah…

1. Road noise. Hummummmmmum…. the biggest no-no a house can have. Hummmmmmmmmmm….. Watcha say? …Hummmmmmmmummmmmm


17 thoughts on “Property turn-offs… and the award goes to….

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  2. The F & T are a bit tricky but ‘Fatal Turn-offs’ is the best clean version I can come up with.

    20. Went to one flat recently, knew it was wednesday because of the three pairs of ‘used’ underwear on the bedroom floor.
    19. Union jack seat & cover.
    18. Basketball hoops too.
    17. Ash tray by the bed.
    16. Green sheets.
    15. Black walls.
    14. Swirling artex ceilings or polystyrene tiles.
    13. Clingfilm on timber battens is worse.
    12. Dog poo on pavement.
    11. They also block out the light and clog the gutters.
    10. Pay them to tidy up and be out.
    9. Pay someone to take them out and shake & vac.
    8. Pay an agent. Blithering vendors a real turn-off.
    7. Pay them to tidy.
    6. Ecological overgrown gardens attract butterflies.
    5. Cardinal sin not to freshen up paintwork.
    4. Fil them, it’s not difficult.
    3. As 5. above.
    2. Possibly no insurance & no mortgage.
    1. Noise in general for me, trains, planes, factories, neighbours, schools but agree with proximity to main road.

  3. The Buying Agent’s First Twitter-publicised Awards, and the extra entries are:

    1. The property details I saw which described the upstairs flat in a converted two-storey house as ‘the penthouse’;

    2. The agent’s Saturdays-only rep who didn’t know anything (including the name of the manager of the branch she was representing);

    3. The vendors’ friends who were staying in the home I viewed the other day, and who asked if it was OK if they continued to watch TV while I went around…and, to make matters worse, it was Channel Five.

    Rock on, Tracy.

  4. My turn-offs have to also include;
    Toothbrushes (especially electric ones) that have toothpaste dribble down the stem or left on the side of the sink in a pool of second hand spit and water splashes. I know toothbrushes aren’t included but it makes my stomach turn and would be out of the bathroom quicker than you can say Colgate.
    Black, mouldy grout.
    Dirty loo brushes in a clear container.
    Any sort of stain in the bath
    Cupboard revenge – everything is stuffed in the understairs storage so when you open either something falls out or you can’t shut the door again.
    The sound of someone in the flat above having a wee….or clearing their chest.

  5. Most buyers will need to use the bathroom during a visit so hitting it hard with mr Muscle is a good no brainer. I visit many houses just to see what we can design for the client and the state of some of them is truly shocking, and I’m talking about people who should know better.
    Expecting me to take photo’s and spend twenty minutes measuring up I have had overflowing smelly laundry baskets, buckets of soaking soiled baby nappies, large tranches of silky and lacey underwear and stockings strewn across floors and towel rails to move while mrs X stands gawping at me from the doorway saying what do you think!
    Your spot on about the loo seat Tracey, they are mostly up and not shiny white either!That’s the point at which I look for the soap to wash my hands and realise there is a lump of it welded to the basin,cracked and dry as a an Ethiopian river bed in a draught!

  6. Our house has never ever looked cleaner or tidier than the day the agent came to do the photos. And as for the hours I spent tidying before potential purchasers came to visit only to dismiss it with an ‘oh, it’s a bit smaller/larger/more expensive etc etc than I was expecting’….

    Cannot believe that people don;t want where they live – tenants or not – been seen in best possible light by others!!

  7. Stand back for my absolutely real life and horrific experience when viewing a house. Just to set the scene – the house was in need of complete refurb, vendor was an aged hippy single mother with wayward 14 yr old son.

    To my horror the person who answered the door was my old Biology teacher from school who was now ‘shacking up’ with the aged hippy.

    Whilst viewing the house we had an emergency call on Deric’s mobile but the reception was bad. Vendor very kindly suggested we go upstairs and use the Phone by the bed to make urgent call.

    To get to the phone Deric had to peel away the quilt which was heaped half on the bed and half over the bedside cabinet & floor. As he lifted the corner of the quilt to uncover the phone a ‘Used Durex’ leapt out at him!!!

    So I have to say my No.1 Property Turn-Off has to be used Condoms or Sanitary Towels left on show.

    Sorry if I’ve made you all feel sick.


  8. Nearly bought a flat which had, and I kid you not, shrunken heads in a bedroom cupboard. The owner was a collector, and he was proudly showing us all his unusual objets when he threw open the cupboard to reveal the dismembered body parts. Needless to say I pulled out from the sale pretty quick. My husband still doesn’t get why it put me off!

  9. Pingback: A light hearted guide to selling your house -things to avoid | The Property Buzz

  10. Pingback: Friday afternoon linkage – top turn-offs | TheRatAndMouse

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