My AGA saga……..a conundrum

Will the duck egg blue, aubergine and greater spotted AGA be discarded from our Notting Hill basement kitchens? Will the Cath Kidston tea towel ever look as good hanging from an eco-bling stainless steel goliath? The AGA accessories and the Nigella powder blue ones –  what about them?

Do Prius do ovens?

What will the blue, red and cream ones, nestling in Cotswold kitchens be replaced with? Can you bring a lamb to life in a Neff super range without roasting it? Will the labrador leave home? Where to warm the welly liners?

Seems the AGA is the big non-green and terribly un-jolly green giant lurking in kitchens across the land

A dilemma indeed. Should one be admired for ones real or quasi-farmhouse kitchen or risk scorn from eco friends?

What’s it to be?

I’m torn between aubergine and duck egg blue

What @iamamro really wants …

For the non-Twitterers among you, I should explain that @iamamro is the coolest dude on the Twitter block. A benign yet insightful, contemporary Sherlock Holmes. An Academic with esoteric tastes. I felt the need to re-house him into a befitting environment. After all it is my job. I present @iamamro’s new home….

Black cast iron  railings lining the path to the door

Black and white tiles to ….

Red front door with highly polished brass furniture

An original Edwardian mosaic tiled hallway

Polished oak, ornately turned banisters

Stair rods …. brass of course

Stained glass oriel window on half landing

Enamel hip bath

Black and White tiles on the bathroom floor

A cistern above the W.C. with a ceramic Delft pull.

A parlour with William Morris wallpaper

A book-lined study overlooking the garden

Picture rails- with Scottish landscapes and ancestral oils hanging from brass chains

A garden with lupins, hollyhocks, roses and stepping stones

An Arts & Crafts bench beneath a gnarled old apple tree

A coal fireplace – with Edwardian tiles and chiming clock above

A broad mantelpiece above the fire to accommodate black-tie invitations

An AGA for toasting crumpets – Royal blue of course

A deep butler sink for soaking the silver

A pantry to store oat cakes, Nanny’s greengage preserves and Dundee cake

A boot room for shooting & fishing paraphernalia (with cat flap).

A spacious bedroom to accommodate the heirloom big brass bed

What Estate Agents are really saying….

Not going to bother with the obvious ‘compact and easy to maintain’ stuff, lets delve a little deeper.

When an Agent tells you:

The Vendor will look when he has an offer… he will only move if some idiot pays him more than  it’s worth.

The property had an adverse survey but the problem has been fixed… yeah right.

Yes, the property has been on the market a while but we haven’t been fully marketing it… Nobody wants to buy it

40% below market value….. well, sort of..not saying which market

Three bedroom house …two bedroom house.

small garden… patio.

The Vendor is open to offers.. he’s desperate.

The Vendor is open to offers .. even he is laughing at the asking price.

The Vendor is keen to get near to asking price …he’s an awkward sod.

The Vendor will not move for less than asking price … he’s a REALLY awkward sod.

The property has been up-dated ..two tins of magnolia, some Ikea laminate and a B&Q kitchen.

That damp patch on the ceiling was a one-off leak ….it’s got an upstairs wet room- you may as well just leave the taps on.duh!

Luxury bathroom …one of those bloody green glass sinks that just about holds a puddle.

Luxury kitchen … Vendor splashed out on Wickes instead of B&Q.

It has potential ….. no, actually it’s horrid.

Competitively priced …  well, it’s a catchy phrase innit?

Yes, the price is ‘full’ …. the Vendor came up with the price

The Vendor is on holiday, can’t show until he’s back …. The Vendor hates me and won’t trust me with a key.

With useful loft conversion ..if you’re a midget.

Characterful property for someone … full of spiders

Interesting Architect designed property …. odd

Could benefit from some updating .. the swirly carpets are sticky.

The vendor is prepared to negotiate on the hot tub … Hee hee. I know what he’s been doing in it

The Vendor may take some specimen plants with him …. five Polish guys are booked to strip it bare

All planning permissions and building regs are in order … we hope

The vendor has eclectic tastes … he’s barking.

It’s an interesting property .. it’s really, really wierd.

Previous buyer pulled out due to ill health … yeah, the survey gave him a heart attack.

I am not keen to insult the Vendor with your offer … I know he will shout at me and he’s scary

I have a property that might interest you .. Highly unlikely

What single men really want…

I want to make sure this is a perfect investment..means…couldn’t care less where I live just so long as my mates don’t laugh at me.

I need a good sized reception room.. look at me, I’ve got a 54” one

I need a good sized reception room…I’ve got loads of mates and I have big plans for ‘group wii-ing’

I want a vibrant area…that just means pub and take-away.

I want a nice kitchen…girls like them don’t they??

I need some outside space…smokes cigars and ‘stuff’

I want open space nearby…deluding himself that he will take up jogging- with that gut? Ha Ha

I don’t want to park on the road….. thinks his MX5 is a Porsche

I need garaging for the Porsche…yes you’ve told me at least thirty times. A Porsche you say. Wow!

I want wooden floors… no intention of hoovering..ever

I want a large shower…don’t go there!

I would prefer concrete floors… he’s thinking about buying a water bed.

I need to see the loft…bloody hell, he wants a train set.

I want to live in Belsize Park or Hampstead..just got his first BBC comedy commission

I want to live in Chiswick..trying to get his first BBC comedy commission but surviving on stand-up

I want to live in Ealing… stand-up’s not going so well- he can’t afford Chiswick